She has a friend. I'm so glad. BUT they held hands. AND this time I forgot. I forgot to remind them they all need to wash hands before ballet class. I told them for her last class, but when they started summer session I forgot. She came out scratching. Red welts on her forehead scratch marks on her arms. Scary, red itchy patches on her elbows. I wipe, I remind her, I remind them, I get in the car and bang my head on the steering wheel. I cry.
I. Am. Sorrowful.
It seems every time we are out and about my girl has an allergic reaction. I've been feeling like locking her in a tower and going the way of the evil woman in Rapunzel. Obviously this is not going to pan out well for any of us...especially not me, the extrovert that longs to escape.
I've been saying no to things, being more careful and not letting her run amuck like I used to a while back. Ever since last month's extreme slip on my part I have been putting my fist down and saying "no more". The problem is...when your child has this many allergies plus sensitivities to fragrances and other personal care products; it is nearly impossible to protect her from the forces that surround us from all sides. I mean even if I take every possible precaution and everyone washes their hands...she could still react. To the soap. *SIGH*
I've met some others who deal with this and it seems that there are two responses:
1) It's just the way it is
2) I am so tired of the way it is
I feel like I am one or the other depending on the day. Although, like with anything,I do feel tired of hearing "That is so hard" "how do you do it" "I can't imagine" or "she'll be okay"...some times I just want to hear "We will pray for you" or "I understand".
I know God is the great healer. The divine physician. As much as I know he can heal her of this I also know that it might be spiritually beneficial for us to be right here in the midst of this. I appreciate the encouragement of what a healing service might do for her, but I don't enjoy the confusion such a moment brings for me, for her. God chooses to let us keep this situation because ______...I believe he can heal her but I'm not prepared for setting myself up to hope one way or the other. I just want to be close enough to Him to know it's okay either way. That He is there holding us through it all. That's enough. I am very tired. And I miss getting close to people the way I used to get close to them. Now IF we are able to get together or attend events with the kids it is rare and, often enough, a disaster. I find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and cry after any large activity where I am either trying to prevent a rash and a cough or doing damage control because there's nothing I can do at that point. And then in the process I seem to be building walls between us and others because I have to be rude or pushy about protecting my child from what seems to be inevitable. As I eye a sandwich and have to weigh in my mind if it is worth staying and asking someone I don't know to wash their child's hands or if we should just make a quick exit.
I miss having close, close friends. I hate that I have to beg people to come here, because it is safe here. Because we have allergen-free toys here. I want to enjoy my time out and about, but I CANNOT. I have to be on alert...on duty and if I stop, if I forget for ONE SECOND, she gets sick. And then it is "blame myself time" all over again. It seems there is no time I can be off duty and it is exhausting. People tell moms to get out...but the more we get out the more I face anxiety and high blood pressure. Ack.
I need to draw a giant reminder on my forehead. I can't forget. It is not an option. But I am still just a woman. Trying my best. And I am capable of doing that one thing I really just cannot do...to forget to remember.
2 comments:
Oh Evie, no one is perfect! I completely understand your frustration, not because I am a mother of a child with extreme allergies, but because I am a mother. I want to protect my girls from everything, and I try not blame myself when I can't. You can't blame yourself. As you said, you are a woman. A beautifully imperfect woman, with only a finite amount of energy and patience. You can't see everything, you can't prevent everything. You can only do your best, which I already know with out a single doubt that you do. The serenity prayer is a great comfort to me when I'm faced with things that I can't control or fix. I even have a tattoo of a dove on my ankle as a visual reminder to relax, and leave those things in the hands of the Holy Spirit.
You are loved Evie, and I am praying for you.
I love this post. Really Evie, I pretty much could have written that. Every worry that you wrote about goes through my head time and again. I'm tired of telling Aidan "you can't have that, it will hurt your tummy". I'm tired of putting that burden on my child. By protecting him, I'm ostracizing him. He's not allowed to eat cake at parties, he's not allowed to go to places with food without me. When I see people at the park with peanut butter sandwiches, I just want to tell them to go to a different park, that we were here first. Anytime either of my kids breaks out in hives, I just want to burst into tears. Why me? It's not fair. And I'm tired of the "I could never do that" (have an allergic child). I'm tired of smiling and saying, "oh it just become second nature" because honestly, it doesn't. And I wish I could say "I could never do that".. when all that really means is.. I wouldn't want to do that. Because guess what - it sucks. I miss chick-fil-a. I miss peanut butter sandwiches. I wish I could buy my kid a fricken milk shake. And more than anything.. I wish it really was second nature and not a conscious effort.
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